<p>A group of us went to Batch Brewing and Founders for a KBS release birthday in Detroit. It was a great afternoon of interesting conversation and KBS.</p><p>As we were walking out to our cars, a homeless man was asking everyone for a hamburger. We all said no as did the couple that was in front us.</p><p>After we cleared the area and got closer to our cars, the guy turns to us and says <strong>"lemme just pull this hamburger out of my pocket."</strong> He quickly follows it up with <strong>"I know, I&#39;m terrible"</strong> after none of us said anything.</p><p>We talked about it in the car saying we expected him to follow it up with some racist. He didn&#39;t.</p><p>But it was all around weird AF and in bad taste.</p>

I love me a good chili cook-off, so I was pretty excited that one coincided with my trip to my other house in West Michigan.

The chili cookoff went from 1-5pm on Sunday. It was in the parking lot of Coral Gables where they usually have the climbing wall and kid bungees. The difference between this chili cook-off and the previous ones I've been to was this one was a cook-off between local restaurants. There weren't any private individuals that competed. Admission was $5. I bought $10 worth of tickets, which is 20 tickets. What did I just get myself into? Each ticket was worth an 8 ounce sized portion of chili. I did about 3-4 rounds of 4 chilis each. The ingredients ranged from brisket, chicken, ground beef with a number of accoutrements like a churro and jalapeno cream sauce and varying levels of spicy. Everything was going good, I was thoroughly enjoying the chilis when it hit me. I got real full after number 12 or 14.

I stopped and realized how much actual chili I had eaten and decided I needed to drink water. They had run out of water and I still had 6 tickets left, what to do? I bought 4 more tickets and got a Griffin Claw Screamin Pumpkin. I was taking sips but felt like it was taking too long and I wanted to head back to the house. I slammed the drink and stood there with a weird feeling in my stomach. I seriously didn't know what was going to happen next. I was sweating and just not right. I edged out of the chili tent area and saw the public restroom. I wasn't sure what I needed to do so I sat down on a bale of hay next to the side walk. I then proceeded to burp for 5 minutes. I'm just looking at this restroom, sitting on a bale of hay micro-burping non-stop. The burp attack ended with a big one, which kind of signalled to me that I was okay to drive for 10 minutes back to the house.

As I was walking to my car I muttered "Why did I do this to myself?" Previous chili cook-offs gave sauce cup tasters of chili, which was way more manageable. The portions were just too big at this one or maybe it was meant for people to pace themselves and not devour 14 chilis at a constant rate until they explode.

So when's the next chili cook-off!?

<p>This exchange happened on the Chicago Skyway Indiana Toll booth. The toll was $2. I looked in my wallet and saw only $20 bills.</p> <p>The attendant was jamming to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUS_ONfxRnQ" target="_blank">Truffle Butter - Nicki Minaj</a> when I pulled up.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Hi. Do you take credit cards?</p> <p><b>Attendant -</b> Yes, but I already entered cash.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> No problem, can you break a 20?</p> <p><b>Attendant -</b> Sure.</p> <p>She counted the change back for a bit.</p> <p><b>Attendant -</b> Sorry about the ones.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> You weren&#39;t kidding. What am I gonna do with all these ones?</p> <p><b>Attendant -</b> Take em to the strip club.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Haha, thanks.</p> <p>Overall this was an entertaining experience, but the crap part was the 18 One dollar bills that my 6 bill maximum capacity wallet can&#39;t handle.</p>

<p>I was getting ready for work today and just gotten out of the shower to a knock on my door, accompanied by a doorbell ring. I thought to myself "Ah, another Amazon Prime shipment." There was another knock and doorbell ring, which debunked that theory. I got kind of annoyed. Who would be at my door at 10AM? I threw on a shirt and boxers and went to the door. I opened it and just looked outside for about 2 minutes.</p> <p>A policeman came around the corner. My mind was fluctuating between "What is going on?" and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yHUSkyslMQ" target="_blank">"HOLY SHIIIIIIT!"</a></p> <p><b>Policeman -</b> Are you ok?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Yes (With a confused look on my face)</p> <p><b>Policeman -</b> Your neighbors called us. They said you hadn&#39;t picked up your mail. They were worried that something happened to you.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Hadn&#39;t picked up my mail? How would they know that?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> And I picked up my mail yesterday.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Do you happen to know who called?</p> <p><b>Policeman -</b> No, we just got the call.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> By the way, sorry for taking so long to answer the door. I was getting out of the shower, I&#39;m headed to work.</p> <p><b>Policeman -</b> No, problem. Have a good day.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Thanks. You too.</p> <p>I was thinking about this more as I was driving to work and got freaked out. What if that wasn&#39;t a real cop? What if they were just trying to find out when people are home so they could rob them. He did mention the mail and the only person who would know I wasn&#39;t picking up would be the post man. Our mailboxes are in grids with locks there&#39;s no way anyone would know about a mailbox overflowing with mail. If someone was really that concerned that they would call the cops, they could just walk past my house at night and check to see if the lights are on. Or see the TV through the front window.</p> <p>I got so paranoid that I called to police station to verify that an officer was dispatched to my house. The house visit was legit. I was relieved that I didn&#39;t have to freak out anymore.</p> <p>But seriously. Weird way to start your day.</p>

I went to the Kin Shop in the West Village for dinner last night. When I asked if seats were available at the bar, the host obliged, but with a warning. <b>"There&#39;s a loud person sitting at the bar, but they are finishing dessert so they should be leaving soon."</b>&nbsp;<div><br></div><div>Why not? How bad can it be?&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>As he was walking me to the bar, I pointed to an individual, he nodded his head in agreement. My phone was at 10% charge and dying so I gave it to the host to plug into an outlet while I had dinner.<div><br></div><div>Once I sat down, the magnitude of the noise this person was generating finally hit me. I couldn&#39;t believe it! It was unreal. The bartender came over to bring water. I had a smirk on my face and said <b>"this noise is making me laugh."</b> She smiled and said she&#39;d be back with a menu. As this was going on, other restaurant employees were walking past the bar doing double takes or giving me looks of frustration with the noise. This of course, made me crack up.</div><div><br></div><div>I looked over at the guy, who was a fat nerd sitting with a lady friend. The speed at which he was talking was insane. He was doing crazy turbo hand motions as well. He almost sounded angry. The girl was not phased by this conversation maniac yell-talking and gesturing at her at light speed. She just carried on like regular old peeps.</div><div><br></div><div>If I had to compare his manner of conversation to something, it would be the end of the Metallica song One.</div><div><br></div><blockquote style="margin: 0 0 0 40px; border: none; padding: 0px;"><div><div><i><b>Darkness imprisoning me&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>All that I see&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>Absolute horror&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>I cannot live&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>I cannot die&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>Trapped in myself&nbsp;</b></i></div></div><div><div><i><b>Body my holding cell</b></i></div></div></blockquote><div><br></div><div>Some of the turbo conversation topics were Glastonbury Festival, reggae, Scotland. There was literally no way to escape this conversation.</div><div><br></div><div>It became clear that this individual has some kind of medical condition. Perhaps Tourette Syndrome. He needed a downer in the worst way. After time, I started to tune the noise assault out. Which was kind of difficult due to the fact this person was 3 chairs away.</div><div><br></div><div>Somehow they miraculously left the bar. That was seriously the longest dessert ever.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I left about 10 minutes later. Just to give you an idea of how long this noise assault lasted. I came in with a 10% charge. Left with a 77% charge.</div><div><br></div><div>This guy really should&#39;ve taken medication to control himself. That&#39;s like an hour of nonstop hyper frantic gesture yell-talking. I bet his heart rate was going nuts.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>It was also crazy disruptive.</div><div><br></div><div>&nbsp;</div></div>

<p>I was trying to kill time in the vicinity of the Rockefeller center because I was meeting Nikki at 7pm.</p> <p>I decided to check out the Nintendo World store. I walked in and was inundated with Mario merch. I know my nephews are crazy about Mario, so why not get them something?</p> <p>I texted my sister and told her where I was. I asked what I should get the boys. I decided on making things easier, so I walked around the store and took pictures. As I was doing this a person walked up to me. I thought he worked there and was going to tell me I couldn&#39;t take pictures. I was ready to say <b>"Tough shit, I already took pictures and sent them to my sister."</b></p> <p>That wasn&#39;t the case. He was with a friend and asked:</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> Can I ask you a favor?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ok.</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> I want to buy this game but it has a mature rating and I&#39;m not old enough to buy it.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ok, let me see why it has a mature rating.</p> <p>Violence. Language. Partial Nudity. I immediately went into Parent Mode.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Sorry I can&#39;t do that.</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> Are you serious?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Yeah, sorry man.</p> <p>As I was waiting for my sister to respond, I saw them hovering.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Can&#39;t you just buy that game on Amazon?</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> No, they only sell it here.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ok, I&#39;ll be here for awhile, let me think about it.</p> <p>As I was walking around I thought about how we used to get older people to buy rated R movie tickets and booze. I felt kinda obligated to pay it forward.</p> <p>My sister responded with what the boys wanted. I walked around picking the items they had asked for. I didnt see the 2 teens, maybe they found another designated buyer. So I and paid and was ready to leave. As I was walking towards the steps. I see the teens.</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> Did you change your mind?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ok, but here are my terms. You have to show me your ID. And this exchange has to happen downstairs.</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> Ok.</p> <p>I thought maybe looking at the ID would look weird in the middle of a crowded store.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ok how old are you?</p> <p><b>Teen -</b> 16.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> You don&#39;t have to show me your ID. I&#39;ll do it. By the way, the only reason in doing this is because older people bought booze for me when I was younger.</p> <p>He gave me the money and we went downstairs. I saw them hovering by the cash register. I went over to him before paying.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> This exchange is happening outside of the building.</p> <p>A guy in front of me was buying the same game and got carded. Are they really carding people for this game? That is crazy. It was my turn, they actually carded me!</p>

<b>I have white hairs in my beard. I hardly think a 17 year old would have a full beard with white hairs in it.</b>

<p>I was on the Uptown 6 platform at Union Square. Business as usual, crowds of people waiting for the train around 7pm.</p> <p>I noticed this 10 year-old boy clutching his mother. Kinda weird, but ok. Maybe they are good friends.</p> <p>So a rat zips down the inside of the yellow line across the platform. This was on the side close to where I was standing.</p> <p>I stood in awe at how fast it was. Others looked with interest, but not really startled by it.</p> <p>This was not the case for this 10 year-old.</p> <p><b>He let out a scream so loud and continued to do so. The funny thing was, they were on the other side of the platform. The rat wasn&#39;t even close.</b></p> <p>His screams quickly turned into loud crying. Everyone was laughing since it was a bit of an overreaction to the temporary rat.</p> <p>His mother escorted him down further on the platform while he continued to wail.</p>

Sometimes I say weird things to girls in public to try to get them to laugh. It works about 50% of the time. Not in NYC.

Lush

I went to buy some body wash at Lush in Union Square. While I was paying...

Clerk- Do we want a catalog?

Asif- (Pauses) Yes we do!

Clerk- What do you mean?

Asif- You asked if WE wanted a catalog. I was just answering that WE do.

Clerk- (Puzzled look on her face) Ok.

Needless to say, I laughed to myself as I was leaving.

Muji

I thought I'd introduce Brandon to the pens and art supplies at Muji. As he was looking through their wares. I walked around a bit. I saw this girl sitting at a small dining table display. I pulled up a seat.

Asif- What's for dinner?

Girl- (Confused) Hee hee.

And then silence.

Brandon was ready to go a couple of minutes later. I got up, slapped the table and said "See you later." She said bye but was probably more like WTF!?

Dominique Ansel Bakery

Brandon and I were waiting in line for some dessert. A female photographer slips between us in line and snaps an action scene of a smore being prepared. The camera lens was really close to one of the workers necks.

Asif- Are you taking a picture of his neck?

Girl- No, I was taking a picture of the smore.

She then showed me the picture. So serious!

Art Gallery

A girl was smoking near the entrance of the door.

Asif-Hello, Doorman.

Girl- Hi. (Didn't phase her at all)

I'm sure I'll be posting another installment pretty soon.

<p>I met my old friend Nikki for dinner at Toloache 82 in the UWS. The menu looked great. We were both excited for dinner and drinks. I had gotten there a little early reserved a nice table in the back patio. We ordered a kale salad, drinks and dinner and caught up on each other&#39;s lives.&nbsp;</p><p>We were seated next to 2 foreign middle-aged men. They were speaking some indistinguishable language. Sounded like German at times, French at other times and then throat clearing gutteral at other times. They were talking kind of loud, but whatever.</p><p>As the night went on, their conversation became more and more intrusive. They would loudly mutter words in this language, make these throat clearing sounds and finish off with English. It was hilarious.</p><p>Here&#39;s an example:&nbsp;</p><p><i><b>Je nais se pais. Es ist opportun, eine Position reduzierter potentieller Gravitationsenergie dort einzunehmen, wo die Emission musikalischer Vokalsequenzen die Präsenz mit negativer psychosozialer Prognose behafteter humaner Inpiduen negiert, da letztere kein Eigentumsrecht an musikalischen Kleinformen besitzen. Gutteral throat words... Strawberry Cheesecake for dessert.</b></i></p><p><i><b>Pour petit-déjeuner toujours, je mange un croissant et je bois le jus-d&#39;orange mais pour déjeuner ma famille et moi aimons manger du poulet ou du poisson avec de riz. Gutteral throat words... New York City Transit.</b></i></p> <p>Seriously, how are you supposed to eat with this craziness right in your face?</p> <p>It got so bad that everytime they spoke I wanted to laugh. Nikki was the same way.&nbsp;</p><p>I tried to distract by staring at the patio lights and complementing them.</p><p>We had to get out of there. We couldn&#39;t take anymore. Unfortunately the waitress didn&#39;t feel like bringing the check so we had to sit there for another 5 minutes trying not to lose it.</p>

<p>Roomie and I went to Aubree&#39;s for some NBA Finals Game 7 watching. We started off with a waitress that was pretty good. We ordered a couple of drinks and appetizers.</p> <p>Her shift was ending and we got transferred to another waitress. She started out ok. We ordered more drinks and a pizza. We had finished with the appetizers when she brought the drinks without clearing the table. There were about 6 glasses and appetizer trays on the table. Kind of weird, but maybe they'd get cleared eventually. Roomie was getting impatient and put the plates on one of the empty seats at our table.</p> <p>A while later, we got our pizza and proceeded to eat. We got to a point where we were ready for a box. Normally the table would be cleared so we could continue watching the game. Unfortunately, that never happened. The plates, glasses and pizza was left on the table for at least 30-40 minutes! Roomie once again piled the plates and put them on an another empty seat. The first set of plates were still there!</p> <p><b>That&#39;s ridiculous! Clear the damned table, server!</b></p> <p>When the game had ended, we were waiting to pay so we could leave. We told her we were ready for the check and a box, she acknowledged and moved to service the tables we were wedged between. Roomie was so pissed he almost got a box for the leftover pizza himself. When we had finally gotten our check it took forever to take the bill. And this place wasn&#39;t even busy!</p> <p>I couldn&#39;t believe how crap the service was.</p>

<p>I boarded the downtown 6 train from E. Harlem. I noticed an emptier train car with a group of people hovering by the doors covering their noses. It seemed kind of odd, but whatever. I saw the cause of this smell after boarding. </p> <p>A homeless man was lying down on a whole subway bench. </p> <p><b>He smelled like super powered fungus left in a locker room for a month.</b></p> <p>It was bad but bearable. Or so I thought... </p> <p>The smell was emitting at lightning speeds of increasing magnitude. It was like the train was accelerating and feeding the smell. Impossible! </p>

There were invisible vapors warping and destroying the air around him.

<p>Robbie and I were walking to Real Seafood Co. for lunch because it&#39;s Restaurant Week!!!</p> <p>Anyways, we encountered a group of 3 long-haired Crust Punks with a pack of dogs with them.

It was like a pack of dirty wolves with wolves as pets.</p> <p>They asked us for a dollar so they could buy some beer. We refused because we needed our dollars for our fantasy lunch.</p> <p>The following questions came up after the encounter.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> If they are that hard up for money how are they going to each have their own dog?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Don&#39;t those piercings cost money?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Don&#39;t those tattoos money?</p> <p><b>Robbie -</b> They save money on hair cuts and shaving cream.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> They probably don&#39;t shower either.</p> <p><b>Robbie -</b> So they probably save money on soap too.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> GROSS!</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Seriously, where can you get beer that costs a dollar? Is there a happy hour we don&#39;t know about?</p> <p>And in case you were wondering, the swordfish was amazing. </p>

Al, Beata and I had gotten balcony seats at the Beach House concert in Baltimore.

The right row of seats had a guard rail behind the 1st row of seats. This could be used by rows behind to awkwardly shortcut out of the row. Awkward because you would brush up against the person sitting in front of you to get in or out.

Ok, now that&#39;s out of the way. I can get to the story. So we were sitting, waiting for the band to go on. A couple in their 30s were occupying the front seats. An awkward nerd tried to maneuver to the row behind them.

He overshot something and basically fell on the guy in front of him, ass first. The guy&#39;s drink went flying. It got all over him and his lady friend.

The nerd just got up, climbed back up and sat in his seat without saying a word.

The couple was angry. And rightfully so. He maybe apologized but I couldn&#39;t tell. The couple just spent the next few minutes wiping themselves off and looking at each other. But they didn&#39;t really react like one should&#39;ve. I would&#39;ve been way more mad and got up into that nerd&#39;s face.

A few minutes later, the nerd&#39;s friend gets up and leaves with the spill guy.

I mentioned to Al that the spill guy was either in the bathroom crying or dead from having that giant ass topple him.

He came back after a few minutes with new, full drink. Al suspected that the friend bought his drink.

But seriously why would you want another full drink when something like that just happened to you. Drink some of it down before sitting again.

Also, spill guy was taking forever to drink his first drink. I said this to Al, "That&#39;s what he gets for taking so long to drink that drink."

My son had a bunch of his little friends over to our house for a party this weekend, to celebrate his 7th Birthday. One of the kids just randomly came up to me and asked, "Are you from the 19th century?"

And, no, this was not a costume party!

<p>After 10 years of working with no incident, someone has recently decided on decorating the wall in front of the urinal with boogers.</p> <p>Seems like everytime I look, there&#39;s a new booger smeared on the wall. This is a workplace, not a locker room or high school. I really can't believe someone is doing this.</p> <p>So I wrote a note on the wall and took a picture.</p> <p>Also... These lyrics just popped into my head. <b>"I said maybe. You&#39;re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all. You&#39;re a Booger Waaaaall."</b></p> <p><img src="images/entry/boogerwall.jpg"></p>

07.02.2001 Laura: "On Friday June 29, 2001 i planned on getting the chicken fettichini alfredo. However, you decided to change the menu without nofity us by updating the online menu, so i decided to have a pepperoni pizza, after i already started eating my pizza i realized that your pizza maker didnt put any pizza sauce on it and basically my lunch was terrible.............after that experience i decided to blow off what happened Friday and eat downstairs again, i planned on getting the burritto because i have always thought it was pretty good, but today i asked for a little extra salsa and sour cream and your server told me that i couldnt have any , so i said i'll pay for the extra condiments because i wanted them and your server refused to give me the extra, and the small solo cup had about 1 tablespoon of sour cream for the JUMBO buritto, i literally think its absurd that you refuse to give a little extra sour cream for the $3.45 you are charging us for a buritto when i can go to taco bell and get a buritto supreme for under $2.00, i dont mind eating downstairs but if your business practice is so petty on these things and your customer service is terrible then i wont be eating downstairs. i would like a reply to my email from a manager or the owner of this establishment........ "

07.02.2001 Patricia: "Why aren't the menu's ever done on Monday's when we come in? I was trying to see what's for lunch and I am unable to view. Thanks"

06.27.2001 Greg: "I have two questions regarding our cafeteria at X:

What happened to the metal knives?

Can we use travellers' checks to pay for meals?"

06.26.2001 Charlotte: "I believe that it is quite unfair that with the prices we must pay for the food in your establishment, we have to be limited to the amount of ice we are getting. The point in question, I needed some cold water and wanted some ice this afternoon, only to find the ice machine was shut off. Don't you think its just a little unfair with the summers being hot and employees working late, we are not allow to have ice. Its not bad enough that the prices are sometimes overly priced, and all the recycling of leftover food. When food is recycled to many time this causes people to get sick. I think that should also be looked into."

06.26.2001 Joe: "a current menus would be nice"

Standing outside a bar, I was approached by a 6’4” blond, cracked out marine.

His opening line I don't like your goatee, but we should hump.

He repeated that line several times while telling his life story. When a big group of people burst out the nearby door, I bolted into them and disappeared to safety.

That was getting too close.

I decided to stop at K-Mart at lunch to pick up a pet carrier for the new puppy we are getting tomorrrow. I quickly found the pet care aisle, found exactly what I was looking for and it was cheap! Maybe K-Mart has gotten it&#39;s act together, this is going to be a great day! Wrong.

I get to the checkout aisle where I can choose from either a crack head looking employee with 3 people in line, or the 500 year old employee with only 1 person in line. Either way I lose. So, I opt for the old lady. The customer in front of me decides to split her order into two separate orders, so I glance at the other lane were the cashier needs manager assistance.

So, I&#39;m still feeling good about my lane selection. It will turn out that the crack head looking lady will need manager assistance about 5 times while I am waiting.

Back to my lane, they can&#39;t find the bar code for the Martha Stewart rug no matter how hard they look. Wow, this is taking forever. There is then a discussion on if they need a bag for the rugs, but the old lady cashier insists, and at a snails pace carefully loads the rug into a bag.

Meanwhile in the other lane, there is a guy trying to purchase gift cards or something but using coupons, which is not going so well.

At this point I&#39;m trapped, because the lady in front of me decides to sign up for the K-Mart rewards card. Ugh! So, the old lady cashier mistypes her email address no less than 4 times. Everyone in the store now knows this lady&#39;s email address because she is repeatedly yelling it, "No, its M-I...." Now the Manager at the customer service desk calls over, "If anyone has 10 items or less I can help them at the service desk." Hurrah! I am saved!

But not so fast. On my way to the service desk, the crack head needs manager help again. So, the manager leaves the service desk for another 5 minutes to try and figure out how this guy is trying to scam K-Mart before she gives up and finally lets me to make my purchase.

I have never been in a store that makes it as hard to give them my money than K-Mart. Something like this happens almost every time.

<p>Recently returned from a 10-day tour of Scotland and Ireland. On the Scotland leg of the tour, while our bus was en route to Edinburgh for tour of the castle. We made a 15 minute bathroom, refreshment stop at the Cafe at the Palace. The Palace of Holyroodhouse was a few steps away. We did what we had to do in the time allotted and made our way to the bus.</p> <p>The tour group was about 40 people. Everyone made it onto the bus except for two people.</p> A daughter (late 40s) and mother (the age of a mother of a late 40s person) team. The daughter boarded the bus.</p> <p><b>Patrick (the Driver) -</b> Where is your mother?</p> <p><b>Daughter -</b> She must still be at the Palace.</p> <p><b>Patrick -</b> The palace? This was supposed to be a 15 minute stop. You didn&#39;t have time for the palace.</p> <p><b>Daughter -</b> I went through it fast. 15 minutes was enough time. She was with me. I just turned around and she was gone, haha.</p> <p><b>Patrick -</b> So you just left her?</p> <p><b>Daughter -</b> I guess I have to find her.</p> <p>The daughter gave a long sigh and started to walk off the bus.</p> <p>You&#39;re just going to leave your mother alone in some Scottish-ass palace? WTF?</p> <p>Patrick and Richard, the tour guide, looked pissed. She finally got off the bus. She then pulled out a whistle, blew really hard and yelled <b>MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM</b>.</p> <p>Everyone on the bus started laughing.

Seriously, you&#39;re going to whistle at your mom like she is going to come running like a loyal dog or something? This lady must be crazy.</p> <p>She boarded the bus again looking annoyed. Her mom was her responsibility. She was holding up the tour because they HAD to go to that palace. On top of that, she was acting like it wasn&#39;t her problem. It WAS her problem and HER fault.</p> <p>When her mom didn&#39;t come running, she got off the bus begrudgingly and the tour continued onto Edinburgh Castle without them.</p> <p>Funny thing was, when we got to the castle, they were there waiting for us. I guess the whistle worked the second time.</p> <p>Our tour guide Richard was not happy about it, since Patrick went back to find them.</p> <p><b>Daughter -</b> We&#39;re here, haha.</p> <p><b>Richard -</b> Patrick went back to look for you.</p> <p><b>Daughter -</b> I guess you should call him and tell him we&#39;re here, hahaha.</p> <p><b>Richard -</b> Grrr.</p>

<p>A group of Norwegians were at Durty Nelly&#39;s in Bunratty, Ireland. Everytime they would drink, they all sang the bassline from Seven Nation Army - White Stripes.</p> <p>I was standing at the bar with Becky.</p> <p>One of the guys walked up to the bar and started talking us. We exchanged greetings. Everything was cool.</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> Hi.</p> <p><b>Becky and Asif -</b> Hi.</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> Where are you guys from?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Detroit. What about you?</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> Norway.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Ah. Cool.</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> I know 3 things about Detroit.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Oh yeah?</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> 1] Cars, 2] Emineminem, or whatever his name is. 3] It&#39;s a dangerous city.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> That song you did cheers to...</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> That&#39;s Seven Nation Army from the White Stripes.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> I know. They are from Detroit. So that&#39;s a 4] for you.</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> Ok.</p> <p><b>Becky -</b> Aren&#39;t the Fjords in Norway?.</p> <p><b>Norwegian -</b> Yes, we have Fjords.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Hey.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> I know only one thing about Norway...</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> A-ha.</p> <p>I looked at Becky and him said, <b>"You know A-ha. Taaaaaake on meeee?"</b>

He walked away. He didn&#39;t seem too enthused.

I thought it was hilarious.</p> <p>People who&#39;ve never been to Detroit always like to beat it down. Granted, Detroit has it&#39;s issues. Many issues. But it was fun to reverse the stereotypes.</p>

Just to be clear, the offender of this Crapenstance is the Cafeteria.

<p>I happened to be stuck in New York City when Hurricane Sandy hit. My flight was scheduled to leave on that Monday. I unsuccessfully attempted to find a flight the day before. I figured I&#39;d stick it out, it wouldn&#39;t be that bad. I was wrong about that one. Really wrong. The friend I was staying with works near the Times Square area. His company put him up in a hotel in the area due to the transit shut down on Sunday.</p> <p>I didn&#39;t stock up on supplies since I was near everything I needed in the event something went down. I decided to go out for lunch on Hurricane Monday. I read about this Thai place that sounded pretty good. I walked about 3 blocks and got soaked in that time. The water was starting to penetrate my shoes. This prompted me to give up on the Thai place. I turned the corner into a place called the Stardust Diner. I figured a diner would work out fine. I could get in and out pretty easy.</p> <p>I walked in to a full house. Luckily, I was able to get seated within 3 minutes of arriving. I sat down and looked at the menu. As I was deciding on what to order, one of the waiters gets called up to the main area to sing a song. In my head I said the following... <b>"Oh great, this place is one of those zany places like Joe&#39;s Crab Shack where they sing every 10 minutes."</b> I was wrong. It wasn&#39;t every 10 minutes, it was a constant stream of wait staff and songs. They sang their renditions in the vain of Broadway.</p> <p>Broadway tunes to me is like sunlight, holy water or garlic to a vampire. I shrivel up and start hissing.</p> <p>So I had this WTF look on my face and noticed these 2 middle-aged women next to me eating it up. I looked at them and started this conversation.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Did you come here on purpose?</p> <p><b>Women -</b> Haha, yes. Didn&#39;t you?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> I was looking for another restaurant but got soaked. I came into the first place I could.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> This singing. Does it stop?</p> <p><b>Women -</b> Hahaha, no. It's fun!.</p> <p>They also told me they were on holiday from New Zealand. We also talked about canceled flights and the impending hurricane.</p> <p>A short while after, another waiter performed and walked along the top of the divider and tried to get the tables involved. <b>Seriously, I had to leave this place ASAP.</b> I pretty much scarfed my quesadilla down because the Broadway songs were puncturing my soul. But I got stuck. As soon as I got the bill and signed, they started a restaurant-wide dance train line to Shake Shake Shake Senora - Harry Belefonte.</p> <img border="0" src="/images/entry/stardust.jpg" style="padding: 15px 0 "> <p><b>Women -</b> Why aren&#39;t you handing your bill to the waitress?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Because if I get up, I&#39;ll get sucked up into that dance train. I&#39;m not risking that.</p> <p><b>Women -</b> You should, it would be fun.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> No way.</p> <p>I said goodbye to the ladies and got out of there as soon as the song was over and the dance line dispersed. Too much for me.</p>

<p>I recently went through some of my old pictures. I was reminded of this October 2009 Insect Crapenstance. So I&#39;m reposting it.</p> <p>Over the past couple of weeks I&#39;ve seen dead yellow jacket wasps in random places in my house. I figured they got in through a window crack or something like that. I made a joke to Krysta saying that I thought there was a Hornet Serial Killer in my house, this was because I found one doing the Charlotte Hornets pose. But really, I didn&#39;t have any idea what was in store for me.</p> <p>The circuit blew on the lights in my bedroom 2 nights ago. I went downstairs to flip the switch. As I was walking to the circuit breaker, I noticed crunchies under my shoes. Ok weird, but I needed to get those lights back on. I flipped some switches and went back upstairs to check on it. Didn&#39;t work. I went back down to flip other switches. I looked at the floor in front of and my jaw literally dropped. I saw about 2 feet of black by the wall. What the hell?!! I couldn&#39;t deal with that at the time. I planned to clean it up the next day.</p> <p>Next day rolls around, I went downstairs to inspect the floor with a broom and dustpan. A wasp flew towards me, I punched it. I went over to the area by the wall. Uh, there&#39;s 1000s of wasps in different states of being dead or lethargically alive. They were on the ground, the wall, the windows. What the hell!? I&#39;ve been in the basement a couple of times recently and didn&#39;t see this infestation attack. How did this happen!!!</p> <p><img border="0" align="right" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2425/4026570612_da5a2f24e4.jpg" style="padding: 2px 0 2px 2px"> <p>I saw a possible point of entry. My A/C pipe from the outside with a sliver of light visible through the side of the hose. This made me so mad. I basically went ballistic. I was yelling and swearing at the hornets while going on a killing rampage. I spent about an hour or more fighting and devastating this Yellow Jacket Metropolis. I put the parts of these hornets in a target bag that was pretty full. As I was going upstairs, I saw 3 of them on the basement door. I killed them and yelled at their carcasses.</p> <p> <p>One slipped past my grasp and started going towards the kitchen window. I punched it, which maimed it. It landed on the window sill crippled. I figured I&#39;d let it die a slow death. I went back to check on it a couple of hours later. It looked like it was still twitching but it was sitting upright on it&#39;s stinger and looked like it was kinda dancing. I got a closer look. It was actually a baby spider weaving a web around it. It really looked like it was controlling the wasp like a marionette. Pretty funny.</p> <p>When Derek came home, I stopped him at his car freaking out about the hornets. He said he saw them in the basement and thought I knew about them. I was going crazy I said <b>"KNEW ABOUT THEM? WHY THE HELL WOULD I LET THEM LIVE IF I KNEW ABOUT THEM?!"</b> He started laughing and said his friend who helped him move was afraid of them since he was allergic to bees. I replied <b>"THEY ARE YELLOW JACKET WASPS, THEY ARE NOT BEES!"</b> I went on for about 15 minutes saying <b>"I CAN&#39;T BELIEVE THESE BITCHES! THEY&#39;RE ALL GOING TO DIE. THEY DON&#39;T KNOW IT BUT THEY&#39;RE IN HELL."</b></p> <p>I went back down there today to kill any remaining ones. I&#39;m going to do this everyday.</p> <p>No more Charlotte Hornets training camp in my basement.</p> <p>This was out of control. I&#39;m never letting this happen again. <b>EVER</b>.</p> <p><b>UPDATE:</b> it is 2013 and they have not returned.</p>

<p>I went to the dealership to drop off my car yesterday morning. The service guy made it a point to say my name once every sentence we spoke. He called me Mohammad, not Mr. Gill, which would&#39;ve been fine.</p> <p>I never go by that name and I don&#39;t like it. It has caused me so much trouble due the fact that it is my dad&#39;s name.</p> <p>So when I was living with my parents... Taxes, screwed. Credit report, screwed. All mail, gets opened. All checks, get cashed with no mention. You get the idea.</p> <p>Anyways, after he was done saying Mohammad a million times. He had one of the other guys walk me to the shuttle so I could get to work.</p> <p><b>Me -</b> He really likes saying peoples&#39; first names, doesn&#39;t he?</p> <p><b>Service Guy 2 -</b> Yeah, he thinks it makes the experience more personal. Why? Was he saying your name right?</p> <p><b>Me -</b> ...Kind of. And it doesn&#39;t make the experience more personal. He should stop doing that.</p> <p><b>Service Guy 2 -</b> Haha.</p> <p>Don&#39;t call people by their first names like you know them. Especially if your interaction is going to be less than 5 minutes or if they are waiting on you.</p>

<p>This happened the day before Thanksgiving. Robbie and I went to Grand Traverse Pie Company to get some pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving. As we walked in, one of the employees said "I&#39;m sorry but we are now out of XXXX pie." Neither of us heard which pie he said they were out of. I went into a mini panic thinking they were sold out of pumpkin pies. On top of that, the line was started to spill out the door.</p> <p>A woman was at the register closest to the door proudly announcing that she got the last XXXX pie. Just standing there, not paying and saying over and over how she got the last XXXX pie.

I was getting kind of mad because she was holding up the line and grandstanding about this pie. One of the employees was going down the line and taking pie orders. They did in fact have pumpkin pie! I also ordered a peanut butter chocolate cream pie. So I didn&#39;t really care what the XXXX pie was because I ordered what I wanted. I just wanted this Pie Bitch to pay and get her ass out so that we could pay for our pies and leave.</p> <p>It took her another couple of minutes of gloating about this dumb-ass secret pie before she picked up and left.</p> <p>What a skeezer!</p>

An interesting item gets caught in my shoelaces as I tie them. <p>Just got back from the gym. Thought I&#39;d mention that as I was tying my shoelaces there was a huge wad of brown hair caught in the lace. Like a hair tumbleweed!</p> <p>At first I was grossed out and thought about throwing it back on the floor. But I picked it up and threw it in the garbage and washed my hands.</p> <p>Then started laughing uncontrollably about what just happened. The laughing lasted for about 5 minutes. i probably looked like a crazy person laughing to myself in the gym. I don&#39;t care, it was funny.</p>

<p>I went to Old Siam on a Sunday night for dinner.</p> <p>When I got back to my car, I saw a wet, clunky purple cell phone on the pavement close to my driver door. I reluctantly picked it up because it was raining. I figured, the owner must not live far away to be in this shopping center on a Sunday night. I was still a bit annoyed because I had to go through the trouble of returning it.</p> <p>I looked at the phone for a bit and noticed that it had an address label on the back. I guess it made locating the owner easier. This person must lose their phone often to physically attach an address label onto the device. For real.</p> <p>I had planned to return it to the owner the next day. Which kind of didn&#39;t happen.</p> <p>I went to lunch with a couple of my colleagues and told them about the story and how I didn&#39;t want that shitty phone in my car anymore. I wanted to be rid of it but couldn&#39;t return it on Monday because I got bogged down with work.</p> <p>I looked at the phone and saw there were 8 messages on Tuesday. This person knew their phone was missing. I was determined to get that shitty phone out of my car and out of my life. So I drove to the house of the owner, which was about 5 minutes away from work. I turned onto their street into the driveway of this baller&#39;s house. Seriously, the house was big that I wasn&#39;t sure which front door to go to. I thought to myself, now how can you have such a baller house and such a shitty phone.</p> <p>There wasn&#39;t anybody there, so I just threw it into their mailbox and went on my way. No note, no nothing. I just wanted that shitty phone out of my car.</p> <p>Here&#39;s some bonus pictures of the shitty phone.</p> <p><img src="images/entry/shittyphone.jpg"/></p>

<p>There were 2 old men talking loud at the gym while I was doing dips upstairs.</p> <p><b>Old Man 1 -</b> I&#39;m going to Whole Foods after.</p> <p><b>Old Man 2 -</b> Oh really? What are you going to get?</p> <p><b>Old Man 1 -</b> Pizza.</p> <p><b>Old Man 2 -</b> Pizza? You really should eat something healthy. They have a great salad bar.</p> <p><b>Old Man 1 -</b> I have ingredients to make a salad at home.</p> <p><b>Old Man 2 -</b> You know, Seduction Bread is on sale this week.</p> <p><b>OK, WHAT? Seduction Bread!!!</b> I was really fighting back the urge to laugh. So bad that I had to go downstairs and let it out.</p> <p>Good thing I was done with my dips. <b>Seduction Bread</b> almost ruined my workout.</p>

<p>I was just finishing up showering at the gym and started to dry off. An older man looking for a an open shower walks in and drops a razor that was lying on the adjacent shower. The razor lands on the floor in front of me while I&#39;m toweling off.</p> <p><b>Old Man - </b>Is that your razor?</p> <p><b>Asif - </b>No.</p> <p><b>Old Man - </b>Oh ok.</p> <p>Then he waited for me to pick it up. I wasn&#39;t about to pick it up. He dropped it. Dropped it right in front of my path out of the stall. He then picked it up and walked away.</p> <p>Right now I have a crazy bushy beard and pretty hairy. I really wanted to say. <b>Does it look like that&#39;s my razor? I&#39;m really going to shave this off with a plastic razor?</b> <p><img border="0" src="/images/entry/beard.jpg"/></p> <p>Weirdo.</p>

<p>So I was walking down the Main St towards Liberty St. I noticed this mountain man looking homeless guy walking pretty closely behind me. I didn&#39;t really like the fact that he was so close. I stopped and stood still by a lamp post.</p> <p>I turned the tables on him as he continued to walk. I started following him the same way he did me. He started freaking out and picked up the pace. He kept turning around to check if I was still following. And I was. He ducked into a coffee shop really fast.</p> <p>He looked terrified. I started laughing to myself.</p>

<p>Adam and I were walking back to the car from the Braid Reunion show at St. Andrews Hall on a Saturday night. A car pulled up asked for directions on the street corner. A middle-aged black couple dressed up for a night on the town.</p> <p><b>Woman -</b> Excuse me, do you know where #####s is?</p> <p><b>Adam -</b> Sorry, I don&#39;t know.</p> <p>I was a couple of steps back and thought I&#39;d offer some assistance.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> HHHHHHWWWWWHHHO?</p> <p><b>Woman -</b> Do you know where #####s is?</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> A bar named Sluts?</p> <p><b>Woman -</b> Yes.</p> <p><b>Asif -</b> Nah-oh.</p> <p>They drove off and continued their search. In my head I was thinking... Is there really a bar named <b>"Sluts?"</b> Can they do that? Then I said, <b>"I guess anything goes these days."</b></p> <p>We drove towards the highway and passed this bar across from the Greektown Casino called "Floods." I said to Adam, <b>"Oh, it&#39;s called Floods, not Sluts."</b> Funny thing is, when I used to work next door in the early 2000s. I always wondered why that place was closed. Now I know, it&#39;s a night thing that gets mistaken for <b>"Sluts"</b>.</p>

<p>I walked into the lunch room at work this morning to a scene of food, incense and candles. Having an idea of what was going on, I asked my female co-worker, (Co-Worker 1) who was setting things up if she was having a seance to be funny.</p> <p>Another male co-worker (Co-Worker 2) in the room and I exchanged some words after:</p> <p><b>Co-worker 2 -</b> SHUT UP. You know what this is!!!</p> <p><b>Me -</b> Uh, not really.</p> <p><b>Co-worker 2 -</b> Yes you do, you&#39;re Indian.</p> <p><b>Me -</b> No, I&#39;m not. You are stupid.</p> <p><b>Co-worker 2 -</b> I thought you were Indian or Pakistani.</p> <p><b>Me -</b> I&#39;m Pakistani.</p> <p><b>Co-worker 2 -</b> Don&#39;t Pakistanis celebrate Divali? I thought they celebrated the same holidays.</p> <p><b>Me -</b> No they dont, and you&#39;re stupid.</p> <p>Co-Worker 1 didn&#39;t say anything. But knowing her, probably laughed to herself.</p>

<p>So I was in a hotel in San Francisco on a higher floor. A family of 2 adult ladies and a preteen girl and boy entered on a floor or two below my floor.</p> <p>I was in the back of the elevator towards the right side in the corner. A couple of floors down I hear this water splashing sound and look to see the girl with her head down and capturing some of it in a baseball cap. Ok so she was barfing on the elevator. She said <strong>"Oh my god, I&#39;m so sorry."</strong> Her brother said <strong>"My sister is sick. I&#39;m sorry."</strong></p> <p>A second after, she barfs again and it just keeps coming. We hit the lobby and they rush out. A hotel worker just happened to be there and asked what had happened. The girl&#39;s mother said, <strong>Don&#39;t worry it&#39;s just water."</strong> I told the hotel worker that it wasn&#39;t water. I said that she threw up but it was too late because the elevator filled up and had already gone up.</p> <p>The shitty thing was people just got on the elevator after we left for who knows how many trips. You know what, maybe she did just barf water but you know what? She threw up and if whatever she had was contagious, she had just contaminated that whole elevator. So no, it isn&#39;t just water. It was a biohazard.</p> <p>I did feel bad for the girl. Stomach problems are not fun. But her mom should've made sure she got her barfing done in the room before getting into an elevator and coating the whole floor.</p>

<p>This just happened.</p> <p>We were coming back from lunch to get stopped by this giant Suburban-like vehicle backing up in front of the entrance to the parking lot at work. Now I was right behind this car at the entrance. My options were to either stay where I was at the entrance and block traffic from entering the lot or back up onto Miller with a steady traffic flow coming from both sides.</p> <p>It became apparent that this Suburban was trying to back into a spot next to the entrance. This wasn&#39;t the time or place to pull any of that, especially in a parking lot with plenty of spaces. So I started honking. They moved somewhat out of the way while still blocking the lane. So I honked while I passed this fool. At the time, this penisy late 40 something guy was walking from one of the buildings and saw the whole thing.</p> <p>So I drove to our building and parked. As we were walking towards the building, the penisy guy drives up tries to give his two cents.</p> <p> <b>Penisy Guy -</b> Do you work in this building?<br/> <b>Me -</b> Yes.<br/> <b>Penisy Guy -</b> You should treat people with respect.<br/> <b>Me -</b> DONT BLOCK THE ENTRANCE. ITS A TRAFFIC HAZARD!!! </p> <p>He then drove away.</p> <p>So let me get this straight, I&#39;m at fault for calling out some idiot who doesn&#39;t know how to drive and causing an unnecessary traffic situation? Just go back to where you came from, nerd. And seriously, who the fuck are you? <b>The Parking Lot Messiah?</b></p> <p>First of all, mind your own business. Second of all, don&#39;t follow someone to their car unless you ready for them to fuck your shit up.</p> <p>As you can tell, I&#39;m a little fired up about this.</p>

<p>We went to Mongolian BBQ in Dearborn, MI for Father&#39;s Day. I couldn&#39;t find any parking in the lot so I opted for the garage a couple of blocks away.</p> <p>When we were done with lunch I went back to the garage, got in my car and drove off. About a block or 2 away from the garage I noticed a piece of paper clipped to my wiper. I stopped and got out of my car to read it.</p> <p>It was a piece of notebook with <b>"Next time leave me a fucking an opener to get my car out asshole"</b> written on it with tire tread marks on the paper. This person must&#39;ve have been really mad. I thought to myself <b>"Did I park like an asshole? Did I not leave room for someone in an adjacent spot?"</b> I was really confused. I mean if I did something like that, I would fess up to it. And what does this <b>"Next time"</b> mean? Will I be seeing this person again? So confused.</p> <p>AND THEN... It came to me! I parked away from other cars in this relatively empty garage. Not far away enough that other cars couldn&#39;t park next to me. BUT when I parked, there were no cars in my immediate vicinity.</p> <p>So person who wrote the note. If you thought I parked like an asshole, which I didn&#39;t, why would you park next to me when the rest of garage is empty? If I saw someone park incorrectly in a spot and there were other spots in the garage, I wouldn&#39;t park next to them. Sounds like a dumbass move to me. And then have the nerve to ruin a nice piece of paper with your bad handwriting and dirty tire tread marks?</p> <p>You better hope I&#39;m not there to slap you down and call you on your bullshit, <b>"Next time."</b></p> <p>Here&#39;s a scan of the letter.</p> <p><img src="/images/entry/angrytire.jpg" border="0"></p>

<p>I was walking downtown San Francisco with my bud Jon trying to get some post bar food before heading back. We walked past this homeless guy who addressed everyone around us on a street corner in a very pronounced loud voice.</p> <p><b>"Excuse me. Could I bother you for a $1.50? I&#39;d like to get a corn dog with some ketchup and mustard."</b></p> <p>This cracked me up so bad. He was so formal about his intentions with his corn dog and condiments.</p> <p>I loved it!</p> <p>Needless to say, we kept quoting him while we ate.</p>

<p>I was on my way from Detroit to San Francisco yesterday. About 2.5 hours into the 4 hour flight I noticed a smell. Someone was seriously doing plane farts. It stunk so bad.</p> <p>Ok, you&#39;re in an enclosed area with a bunch of people with no air ventilation. If you are going to fart, do it in the bathroom.</p> <p>About 15 minutes before we landed, this Plane Farter unleashed the grand finale of something similar to a fireworks show. It was out of control. I couldn&#39;t wait to get off that farted up plane.</p> <p><b>P.S.</b> I also sat next to a woman and her less than a year old baby. And the plane farts was what messed up my flight, not the baby. The baby was good and kept grabbing my arm, which made me laugh. Imagine that.</p>

<p>I get SPAM from robot hookers on my instant messenger at work from time to time. I just got one and wanted to see what would happen if I actually engaged in a conversation with one.</p> <p> <b>Bussmann Abdul -</b> Just got home! you there?<br/> <b>Me -</b> are you? that&#39;s so cool you&#39;re home, Bussmann Abdul.<br/> <b>Bussmann Abdul -</b> my pussy hurts... it needs to be licked... lolz<br/> <b>Me -</b> go find a dog<br/> <b>Bussmann Abdul -</b> have we talked before??<br/> <b>Me -</b> have you?<br/> <b>Bussmann Abdul -</b> Your not the wierdo I had to block earlier right? lol<br/> <b>Me -</b> you&#39;re telling me your pussy hurts and needs to be licked and you&#39;re calling me <b>"the weirdo?"</b><br/> <b>Me -</b> and what kind of name is Bussmann Abdul?<br/> <b>Bussmann Abdul -</b> Good because my pussy is hot and I feel like Im about to bust...<br/> </p> <p>I had enough at this point and blocked Bussmann Abdul.</p>

<p>I usually hang around the house in a T-Shirt and boxers. I was taking out the trash on Sunday night in this getup, a T-shirt and boxers. It&#39;s a quick hit and not really necessary to make a wardrobe change.</p> <p>It was pitch dark outside and I was doing my trash and recycling routine, because it&#39;s good for the environment. As I was turning around to walk back into my house via garage. An older man was walking by on the sidewalk and said <b>"The Caveman Comes Out of His Cave"</b> with this goofy look on his face.</p> <p>I was startled since he basically came out of nowhere. I said <b>"YOU SCARED THE SHIT OF OUT ME."</b> He was still walking and still had the goofy look on his face. I then asked angrily <b>"AND WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY CAVEMAN?"</b> He said "Because you are wearing boxers." That was it.</p> <p>So here are my takeaways:<br/><br/> 1] Why are you looking at people&#39;s clothes in the dark?<br/> 2] Why would say something to someone while their back is turned in the dark?<br/> 3] Why would you say something like that to a neighbor you don&#39;t know while you are on their property?<br/> 4] How do know they won&#39;t react hostile to being called a <b>"Caveman"</b><br/> 5] That is seriously some dumb shit.<br/> </p> <p>And I realize some work people will view this as hypocritical because of a certain caveman, but whatever. This is different.</p>

<p>I&#39;m not going to name this restaurant because I go there often and I like it. But something so foul happened to me this week.</p> <p>I ordered a sandwich and a salad, which I normally do at this restaurant. I got my salad, which was good and started eating it. About 75% of the way into the salad, I forked a piece of lettuce. I noticed this thing underneath it. I looked a little closer and noticed wings. It was a wet, marinated housefly roughly the size of a kalamata olive. It was so wet it looked like some of it&#39;s fly hairs detached.</p> <p>One of the guys on staff just happened to walk by shortly after. I told him "I don&#39;t think I could eat this salad anymore." He asked why. I showed him the marinated housefly. He had this look on his face and said, "You&#39;ve got to be fucking kidding me!" He asked if I wanted another salad. I told him it was ok and I was good. I still had the sandwich to eat. So I ate the sandwich. He came back with a gift card and apologized again, which was cool. About 5 minutes later another guy dropped off dessert.</p> <p>So they did good by me. I can understand that the fly could&#39;ve gotten into the salad. I had one of those jerks flying around my kitchen a few days ago compound eyeing a watermelon. Or it could&#39;ve been in the salad mix like that <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2003/05/12/MNlizard.DTL" target="_blank">lizard head</a>.</p>

<p>This is an old Crapenstance but ridiculously awesome.</p> <p>My family went to Benihana, a Japanese Steak House, years back. The head count: my dad, mom, brother, brother-in-law, sister and myself. We were seated and deciding on what to order. The waitress came over to get our drink order. She looked at my mom and said <b>"Ready to get LOCA on Cerveza, chica!?"</b> If you don&#39;t know my mom, she is kinda shy and reserved in public. My mom didn&#39;t say anything because she was confused. My sister and I were cracking up. The waitress said it again. <b>"Hey chica, you ready to get locaaaaaa?"</b></p> <p>My sister told the waitress she doesn&#39;t speak Spanish. The waitress responded with <b>"Oh I thought you guys were Mexican."</b> My sister answered <b>"No, we&#39;re Pakistani."</b></p> <p>The waitress then points to each person at the table starting with my dad. She says <b>"Really? Because you look Mexican (dad). You look Mexican (mom). You look Mexican (brother). You look Mexican (brother-in-law). You look Mexican (sister). And you look Pakistainian (me)."</b></p> <p>Did she really just do that!? I was kinda surprised. I think I might have said <b>"Well, I am."</b> Well, kind of. I&#39;m Pakistani not Pakistainian.</p> <p>That whole thing was so wrong but so awesome. Surprisingly she didn&#39;t go on any other racial profiling missions afterwards.</p> <p>But damn, yo!</p>

<p>I was staying in Bernal Heights with my friends Jonathan and Sadie for a couple of days. Jonathan mentioned this spaghetti place one night when we went exploring the area. It looked interesting so I thought it would be a good idea to try it out one night.</p> <p>They were both at work so I headed there myself. I walked down the hill to <a href="http://emmysspaghettishack.com/" target="_blank">Emmy&#39;s Spaghetti Shack</a>. I saw a huge line of people waiting for a table. I was starving and really in the mood to try this place out. I went to the hostess and asked if it was possible to get a seat at the bar. She checked for a bit and came back with the news that a seat was opening up at the bar and to stand close to snatch it up. Cool!</p> <p>A man with his young daughter on his lap got up and headed over to a table where he sat with a group of people. I sat down in the middle of 2 couples. A 20-something couple to my left and a 40-something couple to my right. The 40-something guy was being so annoying. Rock Lobster from the B52s was playing and he was singing along to the woman he was with. He also yelled "WOOOOO SALAD!!!" when his salad came. Whatever, nerd.</p> <p>I noticed a key in front of me on the counter. I wanted to avoid talking to this 40-something nerd singing and saying the lamest things. So I looked at the younger guy to my left and asked "Is this your key?" He said "No." The 40-something looks at me and says "I know whose key that is!!!" He takes it from my hand and walks over to the guy whose seat I had taken. They talk for a bit and the nerd comes back.</p> <p>He says "That key belonged to that guy and he was really thankful." I glared at him and said <b>"He&#39;s so that lucky YOU found it."</b> He replies "Ohhhh, sorry I should&#39;ve said you found it. His friend was coming up here to borrow his car. If he had lost his key they would&#39;ve been out of luck." I glared even harder this time and said <b>"That&#39;s what happens when you&#39;re irresponsible."</b></p> <p>His face dropped and that was the end of the conversation. Hahaaa.</p> <p>I hadn&#39;t realized this was a Reverse Crapenstance until I told Jonathan and Siegel about the story. I acted like such an asshole. But I had a good reason, in my mind at least. I was starving and in pain from tooth extractions.</p> <p>I forgot mention, the spaghetti was amazing.</p>

<p>My state of mind was all screwed up when I was New York City. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth removed. I developed a dry socket in one of my extraction sites. I had a constant shooting and throbbing pain in my mouth. I was on painkillers. Lastly, people in this city were pissing me off.</p> <p>So New Yorkers tend to walk a little too close when passing by on the street. 2 guys were walking on towards me on the sidewalk. Besides the 3 of us, there weren&#39;t any other pedestrians. I didn&#39;t want them to brush up against me, so I extended my elbow with my hands in my pockets. The elbow came in contact with the guy closer to me.</p> <p>I walked up to the crosswalk and saw the 2 guys coming back my way. The one who received the blow was looking frantic kind of crazy. He was yelling "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" <p><i>I thought about the situation and was already ready to fight due to my state of mind. I could either let this come to blows and risk getting hit in the face where I had just gotten wisdom teeth extracted or just apologize.</i></p> <p>I didn&#39;t need to add to my pain so I said "Oh, sorry" to the guy I elbowed. Apparently that wasn&#39;t good enough for this 20-something skinny tall guy. He was shaking and said "EXCUSE ME! I WANT YOU TO SAY EXCUSE ME!" I obliged to make him go away. But I did have an uncontrollable urge to jump him. I was able to keep it under control, but yeah.</p> <p>Almost got into 2 fights in 2 days. "I Love New York City..."</p> <p>This trip. Not so much.</p>

<p>This isn&#39;t technically a Crapenstance, but the card did come unwarranted with a note for refinancing. So it kind of works. Take a good look at this brokedown christmas card.</p> <p><img src="/images/entry/realtor.jpg" border="0"/></p> <p>Yeah, I&#39;m really going to refinance my mortgage with a 2 year old. How are you gonna send that scribble and expect anyone to take you seriously?!!</p> <p>P.S. my favorite is the P.S. note on the back.</p>

<p>Recent events brought this Crapenstance back into my mind.</p> <p>From time to time, I get sushi at Yotsuba down the street from my house.</p> <p>In this particular instance, I sat at the sushi bar. Something I did or said made the sushi chefs realize that I could speak Japanese.</p> <p>So a natural opener for a conversation is <b><i>"Where are you from?"</i></b> An answer like <b><i>"originally from Downriver and currently in Ann Arbor"</i></b> doesn&#39;t satisfy the answer... <b>Ever.</b></p> <p>Ok, my parents are from Pakistan, but I was born here. He responded with <b><i>machine gun motion with sound effects...</i></b> Ok, great. I just shrugged in response. In my head I was thinking <b><i>"Did you really just do that?"</i></b></p> <p>He then asked <b><i>"How do you know how to speak Japanese? Are you a taxi driver?"</i></b> I started laughing and I said <b><i>"No, I studied it in college. I lived in Hikone and Tokyo."</i></b></p> <p>Other conversational bits, <b><i>"What kind of work do you do? Are you going to back to Japan?"</i></b> He wasn&#39;t being malicious so I let the stereotypes slide.</p> <p>Stereotypes, I can&#39;t seem to escape them. There are some bold-ass people out there. They are lucky they haven&#39;t caught me in Aggro-mode.</p>

<p>So I was in New York City all pumped to go see Portishead at the Hammerstein Ballroom in the Manhattan Center. I was still healing from my wisdom teeth extraction on the right side of my mouth but that wasn&#39;t going to get in the way of the show.</p> <p>I got there a bit early and had about an hour to kill. So I walked down 8th Avenue looking for things to do to kill time. I ended up finding a Muji and basically stayed there for about 45 minutes.</p> <p>On my walk back, just around the corner from the Manhattan Center I feel this light impact on my chest. I looked to my right and this hunched over on purpose 20 something, probably crazy, skinny thug with a backpack just looked at me. He just gave me a lazy chest clothesline, for real.</p> <p>This rage welled up inside of me and I started staring him down and growling. My initial instinct was to grab his backpack and slam him on the ground. I was also contemplating slamming his head into a store window.</p> <p>But a couple of things stopped me.

1] It would&#39;ve looked like an unprovoked attack.
2] I was just around the corner from the show that I paid a good amount of money for.
3] If I got into any police trouble for beating this thing down, I&#39;d miss my show.
4] If I took a blow to the right side of my face where I just got teeth removed, I&#39;d go down. <p>I determined it was not worth it so I kept walking behind him and staring him down. He grabbed some hipster that was crossing the street about a minute later. This prompted a WTF? from the hipster.</p> <p>So that thing must&#39;ve been crazy. Crazy or not, if I didn&#39;t have to go to that show. I would&#39;ve beaten that thing down.</p> <p>That&#39;s my Crapenstance on the way to Portishead.</p>

<p>Tarek and I went to the Phantogram show at the Blind Pig on Saturday. The place was more packed than I&#39;ve seen it in a long time. It was hot as balls and they weren&#39;t running the fans. I had taken my jacket off because I couldn&#39;t handle it. I asked Tarek if he was hot and why was he still wearing his jacket.</p> <p>This young college kid then says this to Tarek. "I heard you guys talking about it being hot in here. Where do you put your coats?" He asked this question like he was drunk or high. I looked at him and said you could put it on a chair in that corner if you want. There is no coat check here. He seemed confused.</p> <p>The way he asked the question was really weird because he was smiling and acting spacey. I looked at Tarek and mouthed "WTF!?"</p>