Your Crapenstances
Wet, Marinated Housefly
I'm not going to name this restaurant because I go there often and I like it. But something so foul happened to me this week.
I ordered a sandwich and a salad, which I normally do at this restaurant. I got my salad, which was good and started eating it. About 75% of the way into the salad, I forked a piece of lettuce. I noticed this thing underneath it. I looked a little closer and noticed wings. It was a wet, marinated housefly roughly the size of a kalamata olive. It was so wet it looked like some of it's fly hairs detached.
One of the guys on staff just happened to walk by shortly after. I told him "I don't think I could eat this salad anymore." He asked why. I showed him the marinated housefly. He had this look on his face and said, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" He asked if I wanted another salad. I told him it was ok and I was good. I still had the sandwich to eat. So I ate the sandwich. He came back with a gift card and apologized again, which was cool. About 5 minutes later another guy dropped off dessert.
So they did good by me. I can understand that the fly could've gotten into the salad. I had one of those jerks flying around my kitchen a few days ago compound eyeing a watermelon. Or it could've been in the salad mix like that lizard head.
Posted by: Asif Gill on 05.18.2012Ready to get LOCA on Cerveza, Chica!?
This is an old Crapenstance but ridiculously awesome.
My family went to Benihana, a Japanese Steak House, years back. The head count: my dad, mom, brother, brother-in-law, sister and myself. We were seated and deciding on what to order. The waitress came over to get our drink order. She looked at my mom and said "Ready to get LOCA on Cerveza, chica!?" If you don't know my mom, she is kinda shy and reserved in public. My mom didn't say anything because she was confused. My sister and I were cracking up. The waitress said it again. "Hey chica, you ready to get locaaaaaa?"
My sister told the waitress she doesn't speak Spanish. The waitress responded with "Oh I thought you guys were Mexican." My sister answered "No, we're Pakistani."
The waitress then points to each person at the table starting with my dad. She says "Really? Because you look Mexican (dad). You look Mexican (mom). You look Mexican (brother). You look Mexican (brother-in-law). You look Mexican (sister). And you look Pakistainian (me)."
Did she really just do that!? I was kinda surprised. I think I might have said "Well, I am." Well, kind of. I'm Pakistani not Pakistainian.
That whole thing was so wrong but so awesome. Surprisingly she didn't go on any other racial profiling missions afterwards.
But damn, yo!
Posted by: Asif Gill on 05.01.2012Reverse Crapenstance - Asif, The San Francisco Jerk
I was staying in Bernal Heights with my friends Jonathan and Sadie for a couple of days. Jonathan mentioned this spaghetti place one night when we went exploring the area. It looked interesting so I thought it would be a good idea to try it out one night.
They were both at work so I headed there myself. I walked down the hill to Emmy's Spaghetti Shack. I saw a huge line of people waiting for a table. I was starving and really in the mood to try this place out. I went to the hostess and asked if it was possible to get a seat at the bar. She checked for a bit and came back with the news that a seat was opening up at the bar and to stand close to snatch it up. Cool!
A man with his young daughter on his lap got up and headed over to a table where he sat with a group of people. I sat down in the middle of 2 couples. A 20-something couple to my left and a 40-something couple to my right. The 40-something guy was being so annoying. Rock Lobster from the B52s was playing and he was singing along to the woman he was with. He also yelled "WOOOOO SALAD!!!" when his salad came. Whatever, nerd.
I noticed a key in front of me on the counter. I wanted to avoid talking to this 40-something nerd singing and saying the lamest things. So I looked at the younger guy to my left and asked "Is this your key?" He said "No." The 40-something looks at me and says "I know whose key that is!!!" He takes it from my hand and walks over to the guy whose seat I had taken. They talk for a bit and the nerd comes back.
He says "That key belonged to that guy and he was really thankful." I glared at him and said "He's so that lucky YOU found it." He replies "Ohhhh, sorry I should've said you found it. His friend was coming up here to borrow his car. If he had lost his key they would've been out of luck." I glared even harder this time and said "That's what happens when you're irresponsible."
His face dropped and that was the end of the conversation. Hahaaa.
I hadn't realized this was a Reverse Crapenstance until I told Jonathan and Siegel about the story. I acted like such an asshole. But I had a good reason, in my mind at least. I was starving and in pain from tooth extractions.
I forgot mention, the spaghetti was amazing.
Posted by: Asif Gill on 04.24.2012New York City Aggro Part 2: On the Street
My state of mind was all screwed up when I was New York City. I had just gotten my wisdom teeth removed. I developed a dry socket in one of my extraction sites. I had a constant shooting and throbbing pain in my mouth. I was on painkillers. Lastly, people in this city were pissing me off.
So New Yorkers tend to walk a little too close when passing by on the street. 2 guys were walking on towards me on the sidewalk. Besides the 3 of us, there weren't any other pedestrians. I didn't want them to brush up against me, so I extended my elbow with my hands in my pockets. The elbow came in contact with the guy closer to me.
I walked up to the crosswalk and saw the 2 guys coming back my way. The one who received the blow was looking frantic kind of crazy. He was yelling "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!"
I thought about the situation and was already ready to fight due to my state of mind. I could either let this come to blows and risk getting hit in the face where I had just gotten wisdom teeth extracted or just apologize.
I didn't need to add to my pain so I said "Oh, sorry" to the guy I elbowed. Apparently that wasn't good enough for this 20-something skinny tall guy. He was shaking and said "EXCUSE ME! I WANT YOU TO SAY EXCUSE ME!" I obliged to make him go away. But I did have an uncontrollable urge to jump him. I was able to keep it under control, but yeah.
Almost got into 2 fights in 2 days. "I Love New York City..."
This trip. Not so much.
Posted by: Asif on 04.16.2012Brokedown Realtor Christmas Card
This isn't technically a Crapenstance, but the card did come unwarranted with a note for refinancing. So it kind of works. Take a good look at this brokedown christmas card.
Yeah, I'm really going to refinance my mortgage with a 2 year old. How are you gonna send that scribble and expect anyone to take you seriously?!!
P.S. my favorite is the P.S. note on the back.
Posted by: Asif on 12.28.2011Are You a Taxi Driver?
Recent events brought this Crapenstance back into my mind.
From time to time, I get sushi at Yotsuba down the street from my house.
In this particular instance, I sat at the sushi bar. Something I did or said made the sushi chefs realize that I could speak Japanese.
So a natural opener for a conversation is "Where are you from?" An answer like "originally from Downriver and currently in Ann Arbor" doesn't satisfy the answer... Ever.
Ok, my parents are from Pakistan, but I was born here. He responded with machine gun motion with sound effects... Ok, great. I just shrugged in response. In my head I was thinking "Did you really just do that?"
He then asked "How do you know how to speak Japanese? Are you a taxi driver?" I started laughing and I said "No, I studied it in college. I lived in Hikone and Tokyo."
Other conversational bits, "What kind of work do you do? Are you going to back to Japan?" He wasn't being malicious so I let the stereotypes slide.
Stereotypes, I can't seem to escape them. There are some bold-ass people out there. They are lucky they haven't caught me in Aggro-mode.
Posted by: Asif on 11.21.2011New York City Aggro Part 1 - On the Way to Portishead
So I was in New York City all pumped to go see Portishead at the Hammerstein Ballroom in the Manhattan Center. I was still healing from my wisdom teeth extraction on the right side of my mouth but that wasn't going to get in the way of the show.
I got there a bit early and had about an hour to kill. So I walked down 8th Avenue looking for things to do to kill time. I ended up finding a Muji and basically stayed there for about 45 minutes.
On my walk back, just around the corner from the Manhattan Center I feel this light impact on my chest. I looked to my right and this hunched over on purpose 20 something, probably crazy, skinny thug with a backpack just looked at me. He just gave me a lazy chest clothesline, for real.
This rage welled up inside of me and I started staring him down and growling. My initial instinct was to grab his backpack and slam him on the ground. I was also contemplating slamming his head into a store window.
But a couple of things stopped me.
1] It would've looked like an unprovoked attack.
2] I was just around the corner from the show that I paid a good amount of money for.
3] If I got into any police trouble for beating this thing down, I'd miss my show.
4] If I took a blow to the right side of my face where I just got teeth removed, I'd go down.I determined it was not worth it so I kept walking behind him and staring him down. He grabbed some hipster that was crossing the street about a minute later. This prompted a WTF? from the hipster.
So that thing must've been crazy. Crazy or not, if I didn't have to go to that show. I would've beaten that thing down.
That's my Crapenstance on the way to Portishead.
Posted by: Asif on 11.16.2011Where's the Blind Pig Coat Check?
Tarek and I went to the Phantogram show at the Blind Pig on Saturday. The place was more packed than I've seen it in a long time. It was hot as balls and they weren't running the fans. I had taken my jacket off because I couldn't handle it. I asked Tarek if he was hot and why was he still wearing his jacket.
This young college kid then says this to Tarek. "I heard you guys talking about it being hot in here. Where do you put your coats?" He asked this question like he was drunk or high. I looked at him and said you could put it on a chair in that corner if you want. There is no coat check here. He seemed confused.
The way he asked the question was really weird because he was smiling and acting spacey. I looked at Tarek and mouthed "WTF!?"
Posted by: Asif on 10.24.2011Share Your Personal Crapenstance Story
Share your personal Crapenstance story. I'm sure it's hilarious.
Posted by: Asif on 09.27.2011